Heart of Darkness
by allconsuminglove
Summary: (spoilers for 4x14) "My brother's the only thing thats holding me together" - Damon can see her falling - her shield of denial cracking - but will he catch her in time? Damon/Elena after Jeremy's death
1. Chapter 1

**Set at the end of 4x15, enjoy...**

* * *

_**"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart"**__**  
**_**―****Helen Keller**

**Damon pov:**

I find her posed on the sidewalk of Wickery Bridge. The dark cloak of the night surrounds us as she stands in the luminous spotlight of the moon. My eyes travel up the tight leather sheathed on her endless, slender legs emphasized by the razor-sharp heels encasing her feet. I briefly wonder whether it's Katherine. The doppelganger bitch who simultaneously destroyed and saved my life with a careless swish of her curls.

(Because if I'd chosen differently, I wouldn't have met you)

But then she turns to face me, our eyes lock together and my doubt is vanquished. "We thought you might have run away. Vampire Barbie's been pulling those blonde curls out and the Scooby gang are desperately forming a search party". My voice falters at the end as I fully digest the message Elena's eyes reveal. She's always had those expressive eyes.

Eyes that see deep into my soul.

(I think that you're hurt Damon)

Eyes that pull my heartstrings

(Be the better man, Damon)

Eyes that make me want to either break into fucking song about this 95-pound, doe-eyed package of pure love, humanity and strength or go on a killing-rampage to punish whoever placed this girl - who is concurrently an angel and devil to me – in my life.

For Christ's sake, focus Damon.

Anyway, I've seen her apologetic after countless rejections (I care about you Damon, which is why I have to let you go).

I've seen her angry, feisty, passionate, righteous and on rare occasions, even happy. Hell, I know this girl better than I know myself. But this...I've never seen this.

Elena is broken.

She blinks heavily, her chest heaves with the weight of unshed tears. The pain is slowly crushing her. Each of her breaths presses down on her more profoundly and I can almost hear her screaming inwardly, so high-pitched that it is only a matter of time before the fragile glass of her composure breaks.

My girl is devastated, distraught, anguished, inconsolable, grief stricken. My brain hurls adjectives at me and I disregard each, flinging them to the side and struggling to think clearly. My mind rejects any idea that nothing I do will comfort her. I also frantically attempt to ignore the voice in the distance, which incessantly babbles on.

"I'm starting to feel a little déjàvu. Wickery Bridge. Again? I get that it is extremely significant in your short albeit extremely dramatic life, but can we not turn it into the eighth world wonder? Either that, or maybe I should just permanently camp out here and wait for the next existential dilemma. And what's with the fancy get-up? Not implying that I don't appreciate the leather – though, it does serve as a reminder of the things we haven't done for way too long now. But, the outfit does remind me of a certain someone, and the problem is that the certain someone isn't you and –"

"Meredith has his body"

It takes the faint interruption of Elena to make me realise that the unremitting voice was in fact my own. The hoarse whisper of her voice jolts me back to reality and leaves my mouth agape as I gawp speechlessly.

Seemingly, for my benefit, she clarifies herself: "they took my brother. They just took him"

I grapple for words, poking each corner of my mind for a reply. Get it together, I chastise myself.

"Elena, they had to...he's dead. He's gone and I'm so sorry but I need you to accept that"

She stomps towards me and I flinch as each heel pounds against the concrete. When she is only a hairs breadth away from me, Elena pauses before raising her voice to ask, "Why are you lying do me?"

Fuck. I hear the hurt in her voice and inwardly groan. It is only now I realise the depth of her delusions. This isn't gonna be pretty.

"When have I ever lied to you? No matter, how ugly the truth is – and in this case, it's pretty damn repulsive – I have always been honest with you. Whilst our saint Stefan sugarcoats the truth, how many times would you come to me for the real situation."

(I wanted it to be real)

Elena starts to shake her head and I can see her start to block me out and push me away. Damn it. For the fifth time today, I curse Stefan. Why are the these jobs always left to me? Whilst Stefan combs his hero hairdo, I have to watch the love of my life shatter before me.

(I don't mind being the bad guy...I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I'll be the one to keep her alive)

"Listen to me, Elena. I saw it myself. I saw him myself. He's gone. Jeremy's dead. D-E-A-D. And in order to start healing, you need to acknowledge the truth. You need to accept it."

My voice is hard, and internally I'm cringing and berating myself for my callous words. But this needs to be done. I have to push her to the brink, watch her fall over the edge because only then do we have any hope of possibly bringing her back along with her sanity.

She recoils from me. I scrutinize her as she digests my words and predicting her reaction, I'm there to catch her when she falls. Feeling the weight of her in my arms, brings a certain relief to me that nothing else can. I begin to wonder whether Elena has fainted – do vampires even faint? - when she emits a gut-wrenching sob. My fist curls and uncurls around her, as I struggle to handle to utterly draining feeling of uselessness.

(You're not dead. You're not dead)

What has this girl done to deserve all this shit? The loss of two sets of parents, multiple parental figures, friends and now her brother. The curse of the doppelganger. Elena, of all people. Yeah, she is definitely not perfect, but she has the biggest heart I've ever encountered. A girl who would think of a homeless man before herself. A girl who would rather sacrifice her own happiness than to see anyone else suffer. A girl constantly drowning in her own grief yet refuses to stop treading water. My warrior princess, with an unrivalled passion within her. Yet I feel that passion slowly seeping away. A rising fire ignites within me and I feel overwhelming ire on her behalf.

The rampant flames of fury within me are doused out by the whisper of her voice. "Please don't tell me that I'm all alone. Please don't tell me that I don't have anyone anymore. The pain – it consumes me. I can't..." Helpless sobs overwhelm her as she is unable to finish.

(You want a love that consumes you)

After 170 years of scepticism, I find myself appealing to God. Give me some of her pain. I'll do anything. She deserves so much more than this life.

(You would have gotten to grow up and have the life that you wanted, the life you deserved)

For a while, we just sit there, on that god-forsaken bridge. Enclosed in my embrace, she weeps and I hold her close. I've worked to protect her from all surrounding danger but I have no idea how to protect her from herself.

After what feels like forever, Elena speaks, "I know you don't believe me because of the sire bond, but I love you. You wanna know why? You make me laugh. No-don't interrupt, I need to get this out. I love you because yeah, you've done things to hurt me – which I have never forgotten but will always forgive. No matter how my mind tries to rationalise why I should stay away from you, my body – my heart – has always stopped me from being able to. You've always been there to earn my forgiveness despite my stubbornness. I think it's because i know that even once I've gotten over it, I know you never will. You have the lethal combination of an impulsive brain and an overpowering conscience. Who am I to judge you anyway? I've done so many things to hurt you as well, including choosing Stefan because i was too scared to start a relationship with you when I had never finished one with him"

"I love you because you're so convinced that you are "the Bad Brother". I remember saying to Stefan once that I really believe that everything you have ever done, every move that you've made has been for love and I think that is still true.

"You've always been there for me when I needed you and even in the darkest periods of my life you have made me smile. You've made me laugh and you have made me happy. And the sire bond has nothing to do with that.

My mind struggled to process her words. "Elena, I don't..."

Again, she interrupts, "Please let me finish." At my nod of consent, she continues: "A while ago, you promised you'd never leave me and though you've kept that promise, I need you to break it now. I need you to leave me."

Despite my noise of disagreement, she persists and raises her voice to say, "I bring misery to everyone I am around. I bring death. Look at my track record, for Gods sake Damon!" She breaks free of my arms and we both rise. Standing up, we face each other. She stares at me with stubborn resignation and I glare back with anger and frustration. The scene is reminiscent of one from our past.

(Get your ass out the door before I throw you over my shoulder and carry you out myself)

"Elena, stop being ridiculous and listen to me. You're overcome with grief right now, you're not making any sen-"

"Damon, my head has never been more clear! Listen to me, stay away from me."

Turning away, she walks a couple of steps further away from me. God, I hate loving this girl. Staring at her back desperately, I try again, "Elena, please don't do this..."

We stand in silence for a moment, realising we have reached an impasse until Elena breaks the fragile quiet.

"You know Kol warned us about Silas. Kol told us not to awake him or we'd all be dead. And you know what we did? We killed him. Him along with his whole vampire bloodline. And look at me now. Jeremy's gone. And I'm left here all alone. Karma really is a bitch." Her tone is bitter as she spits out each word.

"Is this what this is about Elena? You feel guilty?!"

She doesn't reply for a while. I watch the rise and fall of her shoulders as I debate walking closer towards her. Just as I take one step towards her, she speaks again.

"No Damon, I don't feel guilty."

She turns her whole body to face me.

"I don't feel anything."

I almost gasp as I stare into her eyes. Those eyes which have expressed joy, anger, grief and frustration are blank. Emotionless.

With a brief mirthless smirk, she twirls around and begins to walk away with a casual, uncaring sway of her hips.

For a minute or so, I watch in shock. And then, slowly recovering, I follow her.

* * *

So, after Thursdays episode, I sat, cried and have been in a state of depression since! I feel so bad for Elena, words can't even express. Anyway, before I go off on a tangent about how soulless the writers have to be if they don't bring Jeremy back, let me just say that I have a couple ideas for a few chapters of this fic - Damon dealing with a noHumanity!Elena, her point of view etc - but am unsure whether to leave this as a oneshot.

So if by any chance, anyone is reading this, I'd appreciate a review with your opinion? Thankyou:)


	2. Chapter 2

**So, inspiration struck and this chapter seemed to pour through my fingers onto the page. Enjoy:)**

* * *

**Elena POV**

It's getting late. I see a mother rushing with her children; a husband dashing to his car, desperate to reach home; a young woman suspiciously surveying her surroundings as she hurries down the road. The black of the night. What is it about the darkness that has everyone cowering for fear? Not many even bother denying that the dark was a childhood fear but little will admit that they still harbour their unease. But why? Fear of the unknown, I guess. Sight always brings a sense of security. And if you don't know what is lurking in the shadows behind you, how can you find a way to protect yourself from the monster? Huh. I never thought growing up that I would fall under the heading: "monster".

Somehow, I am more at ease during the night these days. With only a mere ring to protect me from the raging nature of the sun, I feel a sense of vulnerability during the hours of daylight. The whole idea is kind of backward, but I guess it's just a consequence of transitioning over to "the other side". Being a supernatural creature. Something..not quite alive, yet not quite dead. Something to be feared. So I guess it is kind of fitting. Me, Elena Gilbert, feeling more comfortable in the dark. Creature of the Night, and all that.

Would it be too cheesy to compare the pitch black of the sky to the darkness of my heart?

As you can probably tell, without my ever-complicated emotions to ponder, I'm left considering the most irrelevant, insignificant topics. Not that I'm complaining. Life has never been easier.

The last couple of days have been a blur. A fusion of alcohol, partying, sex and sleep. No blood though. I'm sure of that. Not one death, not even a sneaky snack. Not yet at least. Casual sex has never been my thing. I went from: fumbling encounters with Matt; to careful, tender embraces with Stefan; to passionate, raw, loving sex with Damon. Emotions had driven all three experiences, however. So, this felt different. Satisfying, sure! Yeah, maybe I didn't quite feel the mind numbing pleasure that Damon had showed me, but it hit the spot. I felt one moment of relief. One moment of emotion that wasn't grief, heart-break, regret or anguish. And I embraced it. So sue me.

Something else I've done a lot of in the past 63 hours NHE (no humanity Elena) is running. Due to the overwhelming amount of hunters, death, talks of the cure and not to mention the regular, ever-constant Elena speciality of self-loathing, I never really got much time to fully appreciate the perks of being a vampire. I can put that down to my "epic choice" of Stefan on the bridge. He's always been more vanilla than Damon. Though, I do see why Stefan and I were drawn to each other. Both of us so involved with our own guilt over things we couldn't control. Both so determined to reduce the amount of collateral damage to zero. Both so unrealistic with our expectations in life. It was only a matter of time before we either broke up or staged a double-suicide. As anyone can probably tell, the lack of emotions has really given me some perspective on my life.

So, anyway, running. I've really learned to appreciate the rush of power that comes with vamp speed. Seeing the haze of vague shapes whirl past me, the wind rushing through my hair, the pure and simple control. Ahhhh.

But no time for running tonight. I have plans. I'm actually at an all familiar bar in Georgia. Not completely sure how I got here – the alcohol must still be running through my system – but I feel a faint, twinge in my chest that almost reminds me of nostalgia. Shit. Take a deep breath, Elena. Focus. The soft pang in my heart disappears and all I'm left with again is the vacant feeling of blankness.

Taking confident strides in my new high-heeled boots – which were in fact bought with compulsion as opposed to money (a sure sign of the state of my humanity as the old Elena would abhor of that act) – I march through the entrance. Bree's bar is in full swing tonight. Not much has changed since the last time I was here, except the presence of a new male owner (I wonder what happened to Bree?) and the lack of a certain blue-eyed, raven-haired manwhore.

I digest the stares that come my way from horny men appreciating the fresh meat. Maybe tonight I'll pick my first victim? The faint tinge in my chest returns. Why? Why have I waited so long to kill again? It's not as if I have any moral qualms about it – not anymore. A familiar flash of icy blue eyes flash in my mind. I shake my head. I'm going to need a lot more alcohol to survive this night. So, pushing my way through the throng of the crowds, I make my way to the bar. Flashing a flirty smile at the barman and looking up at him through my heavily made-up lashes, I order shots. Gaining a recently familiar looking grin, I inwardly exhale. That's multiple free rounds of drinks for me. I know I could have easily have achieved the same result with compulsion but why bother? I'm learning to appreciate the new Elena Gilbert.

After multiple rounds of drinks, I am beaming at the crowd of intoxicated men around me. There are multiple leering grins being thrown in my direction. My face suddenly drops. What are you doing, Elena? What do you feel? Nothing? And how are you enjoying it? Sitting in a bar, gleaning pleasure from the effect you can have on men and fully embracing your vampiric nature. But not fully. Because if you were completely appreciating your new state of being, these sweaty, sexually frustrated men would be lying dead on the floor and you'd be standing above them, laughing at the site of your massacre. As a feeling of disgust takes over my body, I stand and push my way towards the exit, ignoring the groans and complaints of my departure.

As I burst out of the door, the fresh air is like a cool sigh of relief. I walk around the corner, basking in the relief I feel when a voice causes my eyes to snap wide open.

"Aw, come on babe, where you going? I'm missing you in there."

I twirl around to see a twenty-year old frat boy from the bar. With his baby blue eyes and blonde hair, he almost reminds me of Matt.

"Oh the things I would do to your tight little body. Come back to mine babe?"

I raise my eyebrows in annoyance but he takes it as a sign of approval and wets his lips, grabbing my arm.

Not the day to mess with me, little human. Snarling, I push him into the alley way, out of hiding.

His eyes have dilated. An effect of the alcohol and lust, I assume. I shove him up against the wall, trying to shock some sense into him.

"Oh you like it rough do you, and in public as well?! You dirty, little thing."

I sigh and reply. "You're really asking for this aren't you? Why couldn't you have just left me alone? You could have been home later tonight, safe and warm. But nope. You decide to pursue me, probably at the encouragement of your mates. And desperate for their approval and any chance of meaningless sex, you came to find me. Well, that was a stupid decision."

For a while, I welcome the sight of his confused expression before I vamp out. The feeling of my fangs driving through my gums, results in me emitting a sigh of contentment. It's like sitting down after standing for hours. It's like drinking water after a long day of feeling parched and soothing your dry throat. Its relief like no other. The feeling of accepting your true nature and being led by your instincts. These thoughts echo in my mind for a split second before I sink my fangs into his neck and the euphoria takes over. I am deep in a trance, feeling the rush of power as I pull his life force from his body. The gorgeous crimson liquid that simultaneously sustains me and kills him. The beautiful violence of the food chain.

All of a sudden, I find myself being thrown against a wall. The reverberating pain my head causes me to take a few seconds to recover. Opening my eyes, I feel dazed and see the faint blur of a man holding up my victim. Huh? "What's happening?" I whisper, still attempting to heal from the shock.

"You won't remember what just happened. She rejected you. You'll go home and maybe take some iron supplements if you're feeling really bad. Now run along."

I see my frat boy stagger off out of the alley way and moan in infuriation. I. Wasn't. Finished.

"As entertaining as you have been to watch, us vampires are trying to keep a low profile as a species round here. Can't have you going on a murderous rampage and exposing my fine ass, can I?"

Damon fucking Salvatore. Leaning my head against the alley wall, I groan in irritation. At my lack of an eloquent reply, he glances down at me pityingly and continues to berate me.

"I would enquire as to what shenanigans you've been up to since we last had that "epic" conversation but I know exactly what you've been doing. Tonight's the first it has actually become interesting, but you decided to push the limits too far. I guess you really are like me aren't you? Bouncing from one extreme to the other. This has real been an eye-opening experience for me, so thankyou."

"So you've been following me, have you?", I manage to grit out, rising to my feet.

"No! Never. You overestimate how mundane my life is, Elena." He refuses to meet my eye. This could be fun.

"Oh really? So you haven't been following me? You haven't watched me drink through a bar's worth of alcohol? You haven't seen me sneak into the back rooms and heard every moan, every sigh, every scream of pleasure? You haven't cleaned up the blood of every kill? You haven't do-"

"You haven't killed," Damon snaps. He looks straight at me and I almost recoil from the anger and tension present in his crystal pupils. I force myself to stand straight and hold his eye contact. The intensity of his emotions is blatantly clear in his eyes and I recognise disappointment when he observes the vacancy of mine.

"Oh so you have been following me?" Before Damon can interrupt me and lie again, I continue. "How did you feel? Watching me feed from that boy. I bet you felt nervous knowing that I could drain every drop of blood from his body. That I could kill him." I don't think about what I'm saying. It's like the nagging voice in the corner of my head that has stayed quiet for the last few days has suddenly been unleashed and I'm powerless to prevent it.

"I didn't feel nervous Elena. I'm more than triple your age. I could have stopped you whenever I wanted to . But I waited. Do you know why? Because I had hope. Hope that the annoyingly righteous Elena Gilbert that I know and love would realise what she was doing and stop herself."

I'm struck speechless for a moment, reeling from his words – specifically one four letter word that he never used to throw out so easily. Collecting myself I retort, "But she didn't. I couldn't stop. I disappointed you. Just like the old Elena Gilbert used to disappoint everyone. But the difference is, that this time, I don't give a shit."

I can see Damon's inner struggle through his eyes which to me have always been a mirror to his heart. He's the sarcastic asshole with the heart that I could read like an open book. Enjoying the fact that I held the upper hand, I decide to push the knife in deeper.

"So what have I missed in Mystic Falls? Have you had the funeral yet? I'll be sad if I missed it. I have such an array of funeral dresses that it would have been a shame to miss the opportunity to try one out. Tragic isn't it?"

Again, I can see Damon's effort to keep his composure. "You really don't understand do you?" he begins, "you've always frustrated me, angered me. I think that you're an aggravating fool sometimes and you have a lot to learn but you have never ever disappointed me, Elena."

Now I am the one struggling to deal with the sombre nature of our conversation. Therefore, in a classic student-teaches-the-master move, I deflect. "Did you notice the change of scenery tonight? You remember Georgia? Our five minutes time out?"

Damon seems almost exasperated when he replies with, "Of course I remember. Back in the days where I was obsessed with Katherine 1.0."

My eyes flash with anger as I digest the depth of his insinuation. Even in my humanity-off state, I resent being compared to that bitch. But how can I dispute the similarities? Taking a quick glance at Damon's smug expression, I know he understands that he has left a mark.

Fuelled with antagonism, I snap, "how do you know that this isn't the real me? My recent behaviour was blamed on the sire bond but what now? Are you really going to order me to flip the switch on my humanity?"

"No." The brevity of his reply surprises me.

"Why not?" I scoff, "because you respect my decisions? I don't buy that for a second, Damon."

"No, Elena. I'm not going to use the sire bond to get what I want because I want this to be real. You need to be the one to decide to return to reality because only then can you start to grief and move on with your life. And I guess I can't stand the thought of you hating me forever, which even you, with your inability to hold grudges, would do if I forced you to feel."

"Well, Damon, you may be forced to abuse your power as my "master". The sire bond is the only way you'll ever get me back. Nothing is important to me. Not anymore. And I like that. It's so much easier. You can't even disagree. Your humanity was switched off for years, even when you first met me."

"But it's not now and I need you back Elena."

"Yes...you feel everything now and all in the name of love! Well, that is your problem Damon. Give up and let me live out my existence without you as my shadow."

Taking one last look at the only man who can stir up any emotion within me, I begin to stride away, only pausing when I hear a pained, distressed voice from behind me.

"I can't."

Don't look back at him, Elena. Don't let him know that he is your only weakness right now. Crush his hope, destroy his love. That's the only way he'll leave you alone.

"What we had...it wasn't real, Damon. Move on. Move on because I already have."

He doesn't even bother to reply. This time I know it is I that has left the mark.

No longer feeling in the mood for socialising, I run all the way home. Entering my bedroom, I feel emotionally drained. Ironic, I know. Mentally and physically exhausted, I collapse onto my bed fully intent on instantly falling asleep. When I feel the scratch of paper from underneath me, I jump up. Folded on my pillow is a note. Written in an elegant scrawl, I recognise Damon's writing.

"Your five minutes is nearly up..."

* * *

I hope this didn't disappoint anyone. I was extremely happy with the amount of reviews I got (even if I don't yet know how to reply to them!) but the number was a little small compared to the number of views I got. So as reviews are extremely motivating, I would appreciate if you left me a note, even if only to tell me you hated it!

I apologise profusely for any errors in this chapter, I was so excited to post it, my proof-read may not have been that thorough!

Only one chapter to go, so again, please let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

_Sorry for the wait! This is the final chapter, enjoy:)_

* * *

**Damon POV**

I recognise the instant Elena notices my presence. She is stood watching the flames of my fireplace whilst nursing a crystal glass of bourbon. From my stash. If the constant rescues of her from the ridiculous life and death situations she gets herself into as well as my whipped dog imitation weren't enough, the fact that I am not ripping out her heart for drinking my alcohol is solid proof of my love.

I hold my breath as I watch her shoulders tense slightly. Her knees bend as she dips into a slight crouch – a predators position. She doesn't turn to face me though, which would be too obvious a move. My heart swells with pride as I let out a pleased sigh.

The tension in her chest immediately alleviates as she turns to face me. She can recognise me from a sigh? Maybe she knows me better than I think. Don't read too much into it, Damon. You're on a mission.

"You. Me. Right here. Right now"

"I don't know what you're on about, but I'm here for the alcohol – not the stellar company," she frowns.

"I was on my way to yours anyway, so you've just saved me the trouble. Thanks for that by the way."

No need to inform her that I know she's been here every night at the same time and that I'd been relying on her pattern to put my plan into action.

"I probably wouldn't have been home anyway, I haven't been there much." She replies with a sickly sweet smile.

I grit my teeth. This was never going to be easy.

"Listen, I've let you have your fun, but now I'm bored and I'm actually finding myself missing your incredibly dull, overly-moral personality so -"

"Lemme just interrupt you and guess - you want me to switch my humanity back on. Why would I do that Damon? Isn't this what you want? Elena Gilbert, with none of the frustrations, none of the hang-ups..."

She slinks closer to me until we're inches away and I can smell her honey and vanilla shampoo. The smell of innocence contrasting with the look in her eyes of pure sinfulness.

"If that's what I wanted, I still have Katherine's number. Why would I go for the copy when I can have the original?" I struggle to say the words, my whole body fighting against the idea of hurting her.

She doesn't even flinch.

"Your Katherine digs don't hurt Damon. I don't care. Wow for a man whose lived for so long, it's actually quite impressive how you've remained so dim. So anyway, this has been fun but I better be off. Places to go, people to see and all that."

Her hasty exit tells me that my words had some kind of effect. I don't even turn to watch her leave, just concentrate on watching the flames of the fire until 5 – 4 – 3 – 2 annnd 1.

"What the hell?! DAMON"

I can't help but smile as I hear the stomp of her heeled boots approaching me.

"Oh yeeah. I think I neglected to mention that I was actually anticipating your presence tonight and had my old friend witchy Bennet put a spell on the door. Couldn't have you storming out on me, could I?"

Her eyes narrow as she glares at me, her chest heaving with anger, which actually only serves to amuse me further. I can't help but rub salt into the wound by adding:

"Oh and that's not the end to her useful talents! I actually persuaded her to spike your drink with a spell. Hopefully that will stop you from drinking my bourbon. Its expensive stuff – too sophisticated for your teenybopper tastes."

Ignoring my drivel about her age, she attempts to conceal the panic that is clearly visible in her eyes and asks, "What spell? What have you done, Damon?!"

Her voice goes eerily high at the end and I almost feel bad for her. But I reprimand myself. This needs to be done.

"Well that bourbon that you've just drank has given me free access into your head. I can traipse across all your memories, create new ones – it's like compulsion revamped for vampires. I'm in control of both of our minds. I've gotta say I was impressed. But judging from your facial expression – which is hilarious by the way – I'm going to take a guess and say you disagree."

She collapses onto the sofa, her inner turmoil visible on her face.

"Let's get started then, shall we." I stroll around the room desperately trying to avoid eye contact with the only face that can make me question my motives.

"I'm not sure completely how this works. Miss Barmy Bennet said that I just needed to concentrate and think of a memory involving the two of us to get started. Not very specific instructions really. Let's just try this out. But what memory to think of? We've had so many, this may be difficult."

"Maybe the one of you killing my brother. Or the originals ball. That was a good one." Elena spits out, her judging eyes staring right at me.

"Interesting ideas, but I'll pass thanks...here I've got an idea."

* * *

_The antique gold of the walls disappear as they're replaced by a familiar looking hall. The Persian rug from underneath me vanishes and is replaced by a cool marbled floor. I glance around me, feeling disorientated and baffled by the audience around me until I stare up above me to a vision in blue silk descending down the staircase towards me._

"_Looks like it worked, Elena." I peek around me, but no one in the vicinity seems to hear my voice as they stare at the stunning brunette – who is currently glaring at me (the phrase if looks could kill pops into mind)._

"_Smile Elena, this is your big moment! You remember Miss Mystic Falls 1.0 right? I think I prefer the next year though. . ."_

_By this point, she has reached the bottom of the staircase and grips onto my arm. Her nails dig into my flesh deliberately – which I don't remember from the first time I experienced this memory._

"_What's the point of this Damon?" She whispers venomously._

"_Don't bother whispering," I chastise, "They can't hear us." As if for dramatic effect, we walk past an applauding Jenna and Alaric and my heart drops to my stomach._

"_And in answer to your question, I had an amazing idea to remind you of all the good parts of feeling emotions in order to persuade you to flip the switch. I'm a genius, I know." I smirk. _

_The song begins as we begin to dance. Our hands almost touching as we circle round. The fiery passion between us crackles as our fingers itch to touch. Our eyes never leave each other, as we remain engrossed with one another._

"_Do you feel that?" I say softly, my voice heavy with fervour._

"_That's desire Damon. I don't need to flip my humanity switch to feel lust."_

"_It was more than that for me. This was the moment where I realised that I loved you. After Katherine and after I promised myself that I would never risk caring again, there you were, proving me wrong." _

_I pull her closer to me as we spin around, twirling effortlessly. Elena is silent. Not wanting to look into her doe-brown eyes and remember the vacancy of them, I close my own eyes allowing myself to enjoy a moment of nostalgia and happiness. _

* * *

They fly open when I feel myself being pulled into a vortex of darkness. We fall together, clutching onto one another until we fall back into the boarding house. She's still sat on the sofa, no longer wearing her ball gown.

I must have lost concentration. Damn it. I feel a little breathless and peeking at Elena, she looks similar.

"Damon, you need to stop this. Let me go. I'll leave town and you can stop putting yourself through this torture."

Had that whole experience had no effect on her? A flare of hope in my stomach is almost crushed but I won't give up. I'll never give up on Elena.

I ignore her. "Let's go again." I close my eyes and search for another memory, determined to break through the empty shell to my Elena.

I pause when I feel her hands on my shoulders. "Stop Damon." Preparing myself for more protests, I am surprised when she begins to kiss my neck. She licks along my chin and raises her mouth to suck on my ear lobe. I temporarily lose myself in the sensations before I catch myself.

"Elena, we can't..." My voice is husky.

"Don't you remember the last time we were in this room? You said you had never seen me alive. We danced and we..."

"and we made love for the first time." I finish for her, "which I can't do again until the real Elena comes back to me."

Her hands move from my shoulders down to my chest as she slips her hand under my shirt and uses her nails to caress my chest before continuing despite my interruption.

"Don't you remember how good it felt? You don't need to show me that memory. I remember how it felt to touch you, lick you, feel you. And I also remember how good you made me feel. How you touched me. Mmmm. Come on Damon, you can't tell me you don't want to."

She presses her body tightly against mine – her crotch against mine - and in between pressing light feather kisses to my chin, she whispers: "I can feel that you want to."

I growl before speeding her across the room, until I'm pressing her against the wall. She makes a sound – a cross between a surprised gasp and a breathy moan. My knee rises to rest in between her thighs, pinning her to the wall. She bends down and writhes against my knee and I feel my control slowly slipping away.

"Come on Damon." Leaning forward until our noses brushes against each other, she pleads with me in a deep, low voice that goes straight to my groin.

Fuck it.

Next thing I know, I'm the one pressed against the wall and her tongues in my mouth as we aggressively battle for dominance. I faintly hear the sound of buttons scattering on the floor and feel a rush of air when my shirt falls to the floor.

What has she got against Varvatos?! I growl and return the favour, ripping straight through her tank top, my mouth going dry at the sight of her lacy, black bra.

Our hands and mouths explore each other until her voice breaks me out of my trance.

"That's more like it..."

Shaking my head through the fog, I break away from her. Elena looks up at me confused, but I can still see a hint of smug satisfaction in her irises. This is not my Elena. This is not who I want.

I roughly push past her and venture to the other side of the room, ignoring her taunts.

"Oh you spoil sport. I never thought you'd be the fun sucker with too many morals. Talk about role reversal." She leans against the wall, poised unabashedly in her bra and jeans.

I turn away in an attempt to calm myself and on auto pilot, I pour myself a glass of bourbon, gulping heavily.

I whirl around at the sound of her laugh. Her facial expression confuses me. Her mouth is curled into a smile, her eyes widened with amusement. I'm perplexed until I notice what she's looking at. My eyes travel down the glass of bourbon in my hands.

Shit.

What is it about this girl that leaves my mind so foggy that I can't concentrate on the simplest of things. Don't drink the spelled alcohol, Damon. You had one instruction.

"Well, this makes things a little more fair, doesn't it? You have free access into my head and now I have the same with yours. I'm suddenly feeling a lot more optimistic about tonight, Damon."

Crap crap crap. I'm panicking and I don't even bother to hide it. Before I can even begin to conjure up a plan, she pulls me into her own mind and I find myself free-falling again, with nothing to hold onto but Elena.

* * *

"_You weren't here for this when it first happened, so enjoy" She tells me._

_I struggle to adapt to the change in surroundings, glancing around multiple times before realising my whereabouts. She didn't ease me into it at all, did she?_

_Elena and I are standing at the side of the graveyard watching a younger looking Elena stood at her parent's coffin. An audience are sat behind her on chairs as I recognise Jenna, Sheriff Forbes, the town mayor and a stoned-looking Jeremy. Elena sobs her way through a speech, trying to stay strong and ignoring the traitorous tears that cascade down her face. I yearn to reach out to her, hold her in my arms and comfort her._

"_Do you really want to ask me why I won't switch my humanity back on?"_

* * *

Before I can even reply, she seizes control of the memory and we fall into yet another heart-wrenching scene.

* * *

"_This one is from last week. You didn't realise I was there but I was drawn to it. Curiousity, I suppose"_

_I recognise Jeremy's memorial. The audience for this funeral is similar but it is the line of chairs at the front of the church that draw my attention. The row of chairs for the family that should have been there to say goodbye to a young boy lost too soon. Empty seats for Alaric, Jenna, Elena's mom and dad, Anna, Vicky, John and of course Elena. It had been Stefan's soppy idea which I couldn't find myself to argue with._

_I watch myself listen to the speeches being given for Jeremy, all the talks of tragic loss and an unfair situation. My face is hard, my jaw set and eyes emotionless. _

_The only difference I realise from seeing this memory again, is Elena stood in the corner. One foot in front of the other as if she is fighting to urge to claim her rightful seat, fighting the desire to make a speech for the brother that for a long time, was the only thing holding her together._

_I have to say something. "Elena, if you were there, that means that part of you feels. Part of you – "_

* * *

Interrupting me, she growls and changes our surroundings again.

* * *

"_This one isn't a memory. This is a dream I had at one point."_

_I almost scoff when I see what her wishes were for the future. It's the cliché white picket fence, Victorian house with a big garden. I follow an older-looking, human Elena. She walks into the house, her ponytail swinging behind her and her slightly larger hips swaying. _

_I follow her up the stairs coming to a halt when I see three young children rushing towards her, screaming in that annoyingly cute way that only kids can. _

_I'm taken aback at the sounds of screams and yells and laughs as they clutch onto their mother._

"_Mom, Grayson hit me again!"_

"_Dad says we can have chocolate for dinner, can we really? Can we really?"_

"_Please kiss it better, mom, it hurts"_

_I pay special attention to the little boy – whose age I would put around five – as he stays quiet and simply hugs his mom as if it's been years since they've seen each other. I notice his raven black hair and piercing blue eyes as he smirks a hello to his mother. _

_I circle round the group and notice Elena's smiling face, her eyes crinkled in happiness as she struggles to calm her children down._

_Weirdly, I don't feel as if I'm intruding. I feel like I belong and this is where I am meant to be._

_Elena's humanity-less voice breaks my through my stupor as she says, "why would I want to dream of a future that I can no longer have? At least this way I don't care about it."_

* * *

I suddenly feel a determination that takes control of my body as I gather all my power as I pull us out of her mind and into my own.

I watch the smiling Elena disappear, the yells of the children cease as we fall away. The scene begins to fade and I swear I see the raven-haired boy give me a sad smile before it fades to darkness. Something inside of me breaks and I lose sight of the dream that we both shared.

Using all my energy, I reveal my first memory to her.

* * *

"_I don't want you to get a big head, but I figure that you should know that my happy moments all revolve around you."_

_She stays silent and I feel optimistic that I'm breaking through to her._

"_Okay okay I regret telling you that, I can already see your head getting bigger. If you don't be careful, our egos will be so big that they won't fit in the same bed together and that would be a travesty wouldn't it?" I wink at her, babbling on in an attempt to conceal the vulnerability I feel showing this memory to her._

"_You were dying. You're showing me a memory of you dying."She whispers softly as we watch ourselves lie on the bed in my room, clutching each other for comfort._

"_Ah yes. I may have been on the brink of death that night. That detail seems vaguely familiar."_

"_You were in so much pain that night. It was the same night that Jeremy died – temporarily of course – and that Stefan gave into the blood. Why are you showing me this?"_

"_I think you're being a little pessimistic here, Elena. I thought I was the cynical one. Is that all you remember from that night? Not one other thing..."_

"_It was our first kiss."_

"_Ding ding! It was the first time I got an inkling of how much you could like me, if you just let yourself – ignoring all the times I could smell how turned on you were around me of course." I smirk and do that "eye thing" she hates to love. _

"_Stop joking around, Damon."_

"_Okay fine. Who's the fun-sucker now? This night I told you something that I want you to remember now. I told you that if I had –"_

"_If you had chosen differently, you wouldn't have met me."_

"_Ah so you do remember. Looks like it was as a profound moment for you as it was for me. Good to know."_

"_Why are you reminding me of this, Damon? It's not one of more obvious choices that you could have shown me."_

_My voice is intense as I reply, "I need you to remember that for me, all the pain, all the grief and all the guilt was worth suffering so that I could feel the love that I felt – that I feel – for you. And for so long I thought that I wasn't going to be enough to bring you back but I need to know that I've tried. If you really loved me then come home to me, Elena."_

* * *

Before she can trivialise my confession, I pull her with me as we plunge into the darkness when I change the scene yet again.

* * *

"_Elena, you showed me your dream for the future so I want to show you mine."_

_I am mesmerized by Elena as I watch her reaction to my vision._

_She seems almost hypnotised as she watches a couple on the beach, who roll around on top of each other as they laugh. The man unties the string of her bikini and the brunette playfully slaps him on the arm, reminding him that they are in public. They start to argue and Elena listens intently to their disagreement._

"_Come on babe, it's been almost two days since we've had some alone time!"_

"_It wasn't my idea to go visit Caroline and Stefan!"_

"_Well it wasn't mine! Why would I want to listen to their idiocy about who has shinier hair? I'd have much rather spent the time with you in our hotel room - "_

"_We're on holiday, Damon! We might as well have stayed at home if you just wanted to have sex. It takes us days to resurface!"_

"_Oh the assumptions! I was going to say braiding our hair and telling each other our inner feelings. You dirty-minded girl!"_

"_Grr, you frustrate me, Damon. Sometimes I think you just want me for one thing..."_

"_Yes Elena, I went to all the trouble of fighting over you with my brother for years and battling the most dangerous creatures that you attract like a magnet from the blooming original toothfairy to Klaus, just for sex – which I could get from any other girl. You underestimate my charm."_

"_Eurgh, I can't deal with your sarcasm sometimes!" She jumps up and starts marching away from him._

"_ELENA!" He shouts after her desperately._

"_What?!" She whirls around to face him again. _

_Seeing his facial expression, she sighs and they speed towards each other. Reaching each other, their lips lock together and her legs raise to wrap themselves around his waist. Breaking away from her lips, he says: "I was just going to tell you that your bikini top is still undone. Might have been a bit of a shock to the locals."_

"_Shutup asshole and take me back to the hotel room."_

_The couple disappear inhumanly fast and Elena turns to look at me, a lone tear travelling down her face. _

"_I agree that there is no point in dreaming of things that can no longer happen. But this is still possible."_

_I take her into my arms and we descend into the darkness for one last time._

* * *

Resurfacing back in the boarding house, I feel exhausted. We sit on the sofa and I don't say anything, just watching Elena's face.

"What's going to happen? If I switch it back on?"

"It will slowly come rushing back. All the grief and sadness. I'm not going to sugar-coat the bad. But Elena, the good will come back too."

We sit in silence as she contemplates my words until, unable to bear the quiet, I start talking again.

"The switch stops working after the first few years. You can't do this forever. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be to come back."

I cup her face in my hands, gently lifting it up until she is looking directly into my eyes.

"Please Elena. Come back to me."

Much like in the dream, a solitary tear travels down her face and I begin to see evidence of light in her heart of darkness. I pull her into my arms and feel wetness on my own cheeks. We stay in this position for a while until she leans back in my embrace and asks,

"Stefan and Caroline, really?"

I laugh, a relief present in my heart that I thought had been forever extinguished.

"Well, I've always thought his saint-like character might be the perfect balance to her neurotic-like nature."

She catches my eye and gives me a watery laugh.

"What do we do now?" I struggle to catch the words and realise that Elena is afraid of the answer.

My tone is light, "well, we need to sleep, shower – possibly together in the interests of saving the environment of course – and eat."

"Damon, please."

"I don't know, Elena. I really don't. I guess we cry, we grief, we wallow in sadness.

Yeah, we do all that so that we can live – with some fights and make-ups thrown in – and so that we can feel."

* * *

...and done! Sorry if you don't like this chapter, it's a little rushed I know and I took some artistic license with the spell but I have exams coming up so I wanted to get this done. I've got some ideas for an AU/AH story, so hopefully you'll read that once I start writing it.

Anyway, please review and let me know what you thought of the end:) Thanks x


End file.
